"Just Writing. Just another day."

What's going on?
What's wrong?
Running the race to settle the score.
Struggling through fight as if there's nothing more.

What's gotten into you?
You used to be so true.
Now you just follow the crowd.
Are their voices simply too loud?

How can you not understand?
Too caught up to lend a hand?
Life's taking you over fast.
Then you were first, but soon to be last.

Are the judgements too much?
Are you too afraid to touch;
The light of what's honest?
Are you simply being modest?

Why do you look so defeated?
It's begun closing in and you've receeded.
Do the arrows from their hearts still pierce your soul?
When you fell, what was it they stole?

So what's going on?
What's wrong?
You're like a puppet on their strings.
Worrying about these worldly things.

Seems I've taken the fall too,
So have many, not the few.
Start planning before it's too late,
Maybe then, you'll escape the fate.

~Amanda J. G.~

"Losing Grip"

So, it'd seem lately that I'm letting go in a way. And in a way I would agree I have been. Giving up or in is something I despise doing, but right now it's too hard to keep fighting it. So why not just let it take me over? Why not just go under? Why not just fall and fall until all there is, is pieces left so I can retry to put myself together? Following a path like that, again...I might as well fall into oblivion. And feeling the way I know I will after is not worth it. Simply due to the question of if I'd be able to recover a second time. If that's even something to wonder, then the idea shouldn't be considered. Shouldn't be encouraged. Still, falling is so much easier than climbing. And I'm at the edge. The distance left to go to get back to the top, doesn't seem as long as the fall to the bottom.
      What's the cause of this sudden decline? The answer is simple, it wasn't sudden. It was hidden. And though I tried, there was no one to help and that's all my fault. Possibally, and most likely, I'm depressed again because I finally gained my faith life back again, and then failed....yet again. Seems that's always the case. High, low. High, low. Depression, happiness, confusion, loneliness, and purpose. Can't hone in on one.
        So, even though I feel this way, still I pray. And that's not me bragging, that is simply me admitting I'm hopelessly broken. That I can't do it all alone. That I never was strong enough to fight these battles. Recently, I had been reading my bible every night, whenever I could. For the last few days, I've refused to.
       Any failure makes me feel like I'm not even slightly worthy of talking to God, praying to him, reading his word, wearing his name. Not worthy of anything. Why should I be? Without him I never was worthy of him....clean enough for him. And never have I understood why he chose to love me....yet still he does. That is the single thing that is the hardest for me to wrap my head around. I don't believe I ever will understand it. Even though I never will, it gives me enough worth and joy and life to stand in the storm.
        Satan is trying so hard to make me fall, and he's been slowly succeeding, but he can never fully succeed. For God is on my side. And he holds me in his hand, while he defeats my enemies with the other.

Sorry this has been a little all over the place. I just needed to vent and get it out. Where else would I?