Well, today the air is crisp and the leaves are falling. The sun is streaming through my living room window and I'm talking to some of my closest friends. Drop In the Ocean by Ron Pope is playing in the background. And most of all, my deep discontent has chipped away with last nights freezing temperatures.
It's always strange for me to stop for a second and find that I can still breathe and smile at the smallest things. Life is and always will be filled with cruel circumstances, but those are small and in between if we focus on all of the blessings. The breeze through the leaves causing rays of light to dance and new colors to be unsheathed. The cold temperatures that allow us to appreciate the warmth of a hug, of being inside with loved ones, or the crowded spaces that previously annoyed us. The jokes, laughs, tears, conversations, and memories made with friends through spats, time together, and events. The expressionate and honest valued people we talk to on Sunday at church, or the conversations that remind us of how great our God is. Remembering promises of salvation through the forgiveness of children to parents- cute and always innocent.
Life is full of everything we think we need, things we want, and the thing we actually need. If only this wasn't so hard to realize sometimes. Sitting here now...I'm just me and that is all I want and need to be right now. I'm enough for myself, and I'm enough for the One who created me. I'm not really sure what has changed today. Nothing spectacular occured at church- actually nothing really touched me. But something is significantly different and I'm so grateful for this peace, rest, and hiatus. This oasis in what has seemed like years of bleak exsistence.Wondering why I'm here, why I remain in a state of constant inner turmoil, and why everyone must leave in the end. Wondering how someone so amazing could love me, and why I was forgiven.
Honestly, to anyone who feel the same I have only a few words of advice. Relax, shut yours eyes and breathe in the air outside. Make time with your friends and family. Forgive whoever hurt you and ask to be forgiven for what you've done. Just give it to God. Enjoy the simplest things today- the beauty of nature, the warmth of the sun, the smile or hug of a loved one, the forgiveness God will ALWAYS give you, and the melody of the life we all live. The world is the lines of music and we play it out loud for others to hear. Even though regrets, suffering, brokeness, guilt, shame, anger, and so many other things will try to rip you away from what you love and who loves you, away from happiness, away from love...there will always be a way back to it. And in the end you will be picked back up and brought to the clouds to see the beauty of everything around you. I can garuntee that God will see you through because if you can't see him, he can see you and when you open your eyes you will see that he has always been there; walking beside you and carrying you over broken glass, shards of your heart, pain from the past, and valleys in which you fell just to bring you back to prior hope. If I can feel the way I do now, if I'm still alive after my past, and if I've been forgiven then I promise that you can too.
It's never too late for anyone. Don't believe that lie. Remember, there is always someone who loves you; even if you cannot love yourself.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
So, it's finally cold outside here. Perfect for me, winter has always been my favorite season. So breath-taking in it's beauty, in addition to the rarity of snow around here. Anyways, I'm not really sure what to write; therefore, I can garuntee it WILL be random.
Lately there has been a lot of frusterating, saddening, and immature drama going on between some of my friends. Kris, Courtney, Matt, Kelsey, and Maggie. Maggie and Matt dated for around two years, while Courtney and Maggie have been bestfriends since they were two years old. For about a year of the two years the couple was together, Courtney always flirted with Matt, and Matt didn't hold back any. Matt and Maggie split and within a few hours, Courtney and Matt were acting like a couple. Yadayadayada. Anyways, Courtney isn't getting out of this unharmed and Maggie never had a chance. Poor Kris (who is in love with Courtney but she only thinks of him as a friend, even though she knows his feelings for her) is heartbroken and his friendship (bestfriends) with Matt is ruined. Kelsey is just trying to protect people. And opposed to my previous belief, Matt is slowly imploding. There are some new scars on his arms now...and even though I should know how to react to this and help, I have no clue where to start.
So I guess life is alright. Stressful, sometimes disapointing, but life all the same. School has obviously started (sophomore year. yay?). Still two more years. There are so many things whipping around in my life. Most caused by the schedule I'm attempting to hold down.
Well, that's about all I really want to say right now, so I'll just put a poem on that I've written recently. I love to write :) Just about the best thing in the world.
"Ghost Pain Past"
Sitting here remembering everything;
Ghost-pain from memories a million miles away.
Pulling me into an exact mirror of my past;
I need you to convince me to stay.
Feeling the same way I did then.
A dangerous deja-vu in my head.
Running and falling from the present.
Echoing back to what the scars said.
Scars that stood for excruciating pain;
Hidden under a hardened mask---outside.
I need you to give me a last-second save;
Pull me back again and give me a place to abide.
Fraying ends between whatI see and what was.
Blending shades of grey.
Losing the fight through remeniscence.
Stare at this bridge while it decays.
Does any hope remain?
That I might break these rusted chains.
Or will death again be my beckon call?
Sending me to the grave with it all.
Does any time exsist,
Between the pendulum and my unbroken wrist?
Will the old flames resurface and consume,
Everything left in the shadow of doom?
How is this broken barrier is being rebuilt,
By hands other than my own?
Will there be any rescue this time?
Or will I be a cracking bone?
This aggression begins to sink in;
Depression seeping through the gaps.
Do I have any time for a last stand?
Or am I simply destined to finally lapse?
~Amanda J. Grondin~
Lately there has been a lot of frusterating, saddening, and immature drama going on between some of my friends. Kris, Courtney, Matt, Kelsey, and Maggie. Maggie and Matt dated for around two years, while Courtney and Maggie have been bestfriends since they were two years old. For about a year of the two years the couple was together, Courtney always flirted with Matt, and Matt didn't hold back any. Matt and Maggie split and within a few hours, Courtney and Matt were acting like a couple. Yadayadayada. Anyways, Courtney isn't getting out of this unharmed and Maggie never had a chance. Poor Kris (who is in love with Courtney but she only thinks of him as a friend, even though she knows his feelings for her) is heartbroken and his friendship (bestfriends) with Matt is ruined. Kelsey is just trying to protect people. And opposed to my previous belief, Matt is slowly imploding. There are some new scars on his arms now...and even though I should know how to react to this and help, I have no clue where to start.
So I guess life is alright. Stressful, sometimes disapointing, but life all the same. School has obviously started (sophomore year. yay?). Still two more years. There are so many things whipping around in my life. Most caused by the schedule I'm attempting to hold down.
Well, that's about all I really want to say right now, so I'll just put a poem on that I've written recently. I love to write :) Just about the best thing in the world.
"Ghost Pain Past"
Sitting here remembering everything;
Ghost-pain from memories a million miles away.
Pulling me into an exact mirror of my past;
I need you to convince me to stay.
Feeling the same way I did then.
A dangerous deja-vu in my head.
Running and falling from the present.
Echoing back to what the scars said.
Scars that stood for excruciating pain;
Hidden under a hardened mask---outside.
I need you to give me a last-second save;
Pull me back again and give me a place to abide.
Fraying ends between whatI see and what was.
Blending shades of grey.
Losing the fight through remeniscence.
Stare at this bridge while it decays.
Does any hope remain?
That I might break these rusted chains.
Or will death again be my beckon call?
Sending me to the grave with it all.
Does any time exsist,
Between the pendulum and my unbroken wrist?
Will the old flames resurface and consume,
Everything left in the shadow of doom?
How is this broken barrier is being rebuilt,
By hands other than my own?
Will there be any rescue this time?
Or will I be a cracking bone?
This aggression begins to sink in;
Depression seeping through the gaps.
Do I have any time for a last stand?
Or am I simply destined to finally lapse?
~Amanda J. Grondin~
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