"Off With Her Head"


I'm lucky if I ever see the light of day again
My skin is choking me, my feeble walls are closing in
This cell is filled with scholars easing me, they're teasing me
They told me so I didn't know the fall would be this easy

How long until it starts to do me in
I can’t give out what I’m not breathing in
I know they'll come with what I'm owed, guilty as charged
My enemies belittle me reminding me the penalty of all my deeds despite my pleas is death

Don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this, I don't wanna be this
Death is mine I know
Don't let go, don't let go
Save your own ’cause I don't wanna be this, I don't wanna be this
Death is mine I know
Don't let go, don't let go, savior

Your way to life has only showed me what a fool I am
It serves the purpose of confirming I remain condemned
And I will ever linger on the edge
Unless you hear me

How long until it starts to do me in
I can’t give out what I’m not breathing in
I know they'll come with what I'm owed, guilty as charged
My enemies belittle me reminding me the penalty of all my deeds despite my pleas is death

Don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this, I don't wanna be this
Death is mine I know
Don't let go, don't let go
Save your own ’cause I don't wanna be this, I don't wanna be this
Death is mine I know
Don't let go, don't let go, savior

Don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this, I don't wanna be this
Death is mine I know
Don't let go, don't let go
Save your own ’cause I don't wanna be this, I don't wanna be this
Death is mine I know
Don't let go, don't let go, save your own

~Artist: Icon For Hire~

 

 

Okay. So I am absolutely in love with this song and this band. This post IS a bit random, but I just thought I'd share the lyrics. Their other songs such as "Get Well", "The Grey", and "Iodine" are also beautifully written and brilliantly played by the band members. That's all for now....

 

I'm honestly just posting this because of how much I relate to the words. I understand the emotions running through the song. Do you ever feel that way just from listening to a song?

The Tears Can't Fall

So it'd seem that I can't even cry anymore. I mean...it's been this way for about two years, but it's just now starting to bother me. Crying is healthy. It cleanses the soul and provides a release for the person. I don't get that release. Even if I'm breaking down, laying on the floor in a crumpled mess....I can't really cry. Two, three, maybe four tears....and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. It just stops. I'm still heaving and racking and trying to physically hold myself together so I don't emotionally fall apart....but the tears aren't there. And I need them to be now. I need to let this all out. But it's like this: at first, I refused. I could still cry, but I wouldn't allow myself to. Now that I need to, I can't. My body doesn't allow it anymore because my mind has blocked it out for so long. The emotional pain is terrible and the sadness is there. It feels tangible. Like I could grab it and burn it....but at the same time, it's not there. Nothing is. I feel the pain, the echo of the emotion...but no emotion. And at this point, I doubt the fact that there is no emotion. No, I'm just shoving it all down inside myself in some forgotten little corner. Ignoring it. But, it's not a small little corner anymore. It's an ocean. An ocean bent on drowning me. Bent on killing me. And I'm so afraid to begin to face that ocean. So afraid to try to swim to land from a sinking ship. I'm so afraid that I'll get even more lost along the way, that I'll never make it, that I'll sink to the bottom and be forgotten, that I won't be able to handle it. I need to be able to handle it. I need to be strong. For those around me....for myself. I couldn't begin to tell you why I feel this way. I could never explain this in words. And you would never understand. I couldn't make you understand...unless you have experienced it before. And I hope, I pray, that you never know this hopeless, reckless abandon. It's possible to fight if you see an end....but what happens if you don't see an end?

Chains of Shame

You see, I have this little problem. The things I do make me feel so ashamed that I cannot face God knowing that I do them, but they are the very things that I find I am addicted to. The shame and guilt completely separate me from God. It makes me feel like I can't talk to him. I'll finally work up the courage to face him, to talk to him even, but then I feel like his anger is crushing me. Like his disappoint is too much for me to handle. Thing is, I've come to realize that these emotions that I've described him as having are just reflections of what I feel towards myself. I know how wrong the things I do are. I know.....and I hate myself for it. That anger is the hate, shame, and anger I feel towards myself. I felt it without having these things looming around me, but now they reside in my life and the despair grows and increases by tenfold in my heart. I know I need to get them out of my life, but how do I begin to do that if I can't even get myself to begin to face them? How, if I can't muster up enough dignity to ask God to help me with this? Because it has me so tightly. It's sharp claws are holding me to the dirt and I cannot convince myself to fight it- I deserve this. The shame, humilitation, and pain. Oh, how God must be anguished now. A once bright child, once burning for him and chasing him, is now lost in the dark- in thorns. How he must be stretching out for me, telling me to just take his hand, that it'll be okay. That I have the strength to fight with him, that I'm loved. But I'm having such a hard time pushing past the lies. Past my own numbness, my own guilt, and- if I'm honest- my own selfishness. That's right. These things are selfish. They are temporary releases, temporary distractions, temptations that are given in to. And they are sickening. I don't understand how he can even look at me anymore, how he can think about me. I am filthy. Degraded. Some ungodly spawn of this world now that I have walked away from him. I've lost my identity. I've lost it all. And now I am this horrid, self-indulging, trapped fool. I am a fool for this. And yet I am still, foolishly, following the wrong road. I am leading myself to the slaughter. I am allowing myself to die. I am gripping onto the darkness inside of me like a scared child who doesn't want to let go of their "blanky". It has become safe. It has become familiar. And I no longer know who I am without it. The only way for me to figure that out is to find my identity in God, follow him, and trust that. But it feels like I can't. I know that is probably completely ridiculous, but that's how it feels. I can't get rid of the way I feel towards myself. I can't throw off this apathy that I feel towards anything religious- there have been times where it has felt like hate towards those things. But that is only because of my own guilt and inability to connect with God as the people around me do- like I used to. I'm lost. I know how to start going back the way I came, starting back on a road that will bring me back to the living, but I'm afraid. I'm ashamed. And I'm being held down by so much.

I need to say this. This is the only place I can.

            I want to die. It's that simple. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be here. A car accident, a slip and deadly fall...something. I don't really care to stay here anymore. My mind is killing me. Beating myself for the pain- hiding the bruises. Slamming my head against a wall- blasting music to cover the sound. Scraping my skin with my fingernails because there aren't any blades- stopping before it bleeds; preventing a scar. Looking for blades- seeing everything as a potential weapon and having to close my eyes to calm down. Burning paper to distract myself- accidently burning myself...and then wanting to. Driving a car- wanting to drive right off of the road. Riding a bike- wanting to pull in front of an oncoming car. Taking two pills for a headache- being tempted to down the whole thing. Taking a shower to relax- crying my eyes out silently, no one can ever hear. Staring at the ceiling for hours at night- never able to sleep. Looking in the mirror- hating every single part of me. Hating myself so much that it hurts. So much that I feel physically ill. This isn't living. I don't know what this is. It's abnormal. It's torture. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. On. Like. This. Anymore.

And so I'll die soon. Not physically, I don't think. But inside I'm still living, but whatever is there is dying. Quickly now. Without sound. Maybe it'll be better to be hallow. Insane, but numb. Just nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Nothing....

I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to live.

Where is my HOPE?

Time is just flying by. Pressing forward, moving on and on. It has no rest, yet it never get tired. Instead it tires those who try to hold it. Time is flying by, and I'm sitting stagnant. Yes, it is my fault for being immobile. I cannot find the motivation for anything. I cannot see the point in anything. I'm not depressed, nor happy. Just....nothing. And it's a terrible, cold, and lonely nothing. People are around me and I can see them, but I still feel alone. Because no ones knows....because no one understands. Because I can't trust.
          I feel as though I should mention God again, because that's why I originally created this blog....haha, what a miserable fail that was. Anyways, my relationship with God is destroyed. I'm addicted to things he despises, shameful things. And I am ashamed. Too ashamed to fix my relationship with him. I'm slipping away so quickly. I don't recognize myself anymore...and that really scares me. How am I supposed to go forward in life without a purpose, without an identity, without...anything worthwhile? I don't know how to cope with such uncertainty and hopelessness.

I just need something that I can't find here. So why should I stay?

I understand things will most likely change in the future...so, I just need something or someone to get me through this current suffering. I can't do it alone. I simply don't have the strength....

And I'm falling faster each day....