The Tears Can't Fall

So it'd seem that I can't even cry anymore. I mean...it's been this way for about two years, but it's just now starting to bother me. Crying is healthy. It cleanses the soul and provides a release for the person. I don't get that release. Even if I'm breaking down, laying on the floor in a crumpled mess....I can't really cry. Two, three, maybe four tears....and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. It just stops. I'm still heaving and racking and trying to physically hold myself together so I don't emotionally fall apart....but the tears aren't there. And I need them to be now. I need to let this all out. But it's like this: at first, I refused. I could still cry, but I wouldn't allow myself to. Now that I need to, I can't. My body doesn't allow it anymore because my mind has blocked it out for so long. The emotional pain is terrible and the sadness is there. It feels tangible. Like I could grab it and burn it....but at the same time, it's not there. Nothing is. I feel the pain, the echo of the emotion...but no emotion. And at this point, I doubt the fact that there is no emotion. No, I'm just shoving it all down inside myself in some forgotten little corner. Ignoring it. But, it's not a small little corner anymore. It's an ocean. An ocean bent on drowning me. Bent on killing me. And I'm so afraid to begin to face that ocean. So afraid to try to swim to land from a sinking ship. I'm so afraid that I'll get even more lost along the way, that I'll never make it, that I'll sink to the bottom and be forgotten, that I won't be able to handle it. I need to be able to handle it. I need to be strong. For those around me....for myself. I couldn't begin to tell you why I feel this way. I could never explain this in words. And you would never understand. I couldn't make you understand...unless you have experienced it before. And I hope, I pray, that you never know this hopeless, reckless abandon. It's possible to fight if you see an end....but what happens if you don't see an end?