A Drop in the Ocean. A Change in the Weather.

Well, today the air is crisp and the leaves are falling. The sun is streaming through my living room window and I'm talking to some of my closest friends. Drop In the Ocean by Ron Pope is playing in the background. And most of all, my deep discontent has chipped away with last nights freezing temperatures.
        It's always strange for me to stop for a second and find that I can still breathe and smile at the smallest things. Life is and always will be filled with cruel circumstances, but those are small and in between if we focus on all of the blessings. The breeze through the leaves causing rays of light to dance and new colors to be unsheathed. The cold temperatures that allow us to appreciate the warmth of a hug, of being inside with loved ones, or the crowded spaces that previously annoyed us. The jokes, laughs, tears, conversations, and memories made with friends through spats, time together, and events. The expressionate and honest valued people we talk to on Sunday at church, or the conversations that remind us of how great our God is. Remembering promises of salvation through the forgiveness of children to parents- cute and always innocent.
       Life is full of everything we think we need, things we want, and the thing we actually need. If only this wasn't so hard to realize sometimes. Sitting here now...I'm just me and that is all I want and need to be right now. I'm enough for myself, and I'm enough for the One who created me. I'm not really sure what has changed today. Nothing spectacular occured at church- actually nothing really touched me. But something is significantly different and I'm so grateful for this peace, rest, and hiatus. This oasis in what has seemed like years of bleak exsistence.Wondering why I'm here, why I remain in a state of constant inner turmoil, and why everyone must leave in the end. Wondering how someone so amazing could love me, and why I was forgiven.
         Honestly, to anyone who feel the same I have only a few words of advice. Relax, shut yours eyes and breathe in the air outside. Make time with your friends and family. Forgive whoever hurt you and ask to be forgiven for what you've done. Just give it to God. Enjoy the simplest things today- the beauty of nature, the warmth of the sun, the smile or hug of a loved one, the forgiveness God will ALWAYS give you, and the melody of the life we all live. The world is the lines of music and we play it out loud for others to hear. Even though regrets, suffering, brokeness, guilt, shame, anger, and so many other things will try to rip you away from what you love and who loves you, away from happiness, away from love...there will always be a way back to it. And in the end you will be picked back up and brought to the clouds to see the beauty of everything around you. I can garuntee that God will see you through because if you can't see him, he can see you and when you open your eyes you will see that he has always been there; walking beside you and carrying you over broken glass, shards of your heart, pain from the past, and valleys in which you fell just to bring you back to prior hope. If I can feel the way I do now, if I'm still alive after my past, and if I've been forgiven then I promise that you can too.
        It's never too late for anyone. Don't believe that lie. Remember, there is always someone who loves you; even if you cannot love yourself.
        Thanks for reading.

So, it's finally cold outside here. Perfect for me, winter has always been my favorite season. So breath-taking in it's beauty, in addition to the rarity of snow around here. Anyways, I'm not really sure what to write; therefore, I can garuntee it WILL be random.
        Lately there has been a lot of frusterating, saddening, and immature drama going on between some of my friends. Kris, Courtney, Matt, Kelsey, and Maggie. Maggie and Matt dated for around two years, while Courtney and Maggie have been bestfriends since they were two years old. For about a year of the two years the couple was together, Courtney always flirted with Matt, and Matt didn't hold back any. Matt and Maggie split and within a few hours, Courtney and Matt were acting like a couple. Yadayadayada. Anyways, Courtney isn't getting out of this unharmed and Maggie never had a chance. Poor Kris (who is in love with Courtney but she only thinks of him as a friend, even though she knows his feelings for her) is heartbroken and his friendship (bestfriends) with Matt is ruined. Kelsey is just trying to protect people. And opposed to my previous belief, Matt is slowly imploding. There are some new scars on his arms now...and even though I should know how to react to this and help, I have no clue where to start.
        So I guess life is alright. Stressful, sometimes disapointing, but life all the same. School has obviously started (sophomore year. yay?). Still two more years. There are so many things whipping around in my life. Most caused by the schedule I'm attempting to hold down.
       Well, that's about all I really want to say right now, so I'll just put a poem on that I've written recently. I love to write :) Just about the best thing in the world.

"Ghost Pain Past"

Sitting here remembering everything;
Ghost-pain from memories a million miles away.
Pulling me into an exact mirror of my past;
I need you to convince me to stay.

Feeling the same way I did then.
A dangerous deja-vu in my head.
Running and falling from the present.
Echoing back to what the scars said.

Scars that stood for excruciating pain;
Hidden under a hardened mask---outside.
I need you to give me a last-second save;
Pull me back again and give me a place to abide.

Fraying ends between whatI see and what was.
Blending shades of grey.
Losing the fight through remeniscence.
Stare at this bridge while it decays.

Does any hope remain?
That I might break these rusted chains.
Or will death again be my beckon call?
Sending me to the grave with it all.

Does any time exsist,
Between the pendulum and my unbroken wrist?
Will the old flames resurface and consume,
Everything left in the shadow of doom?

How is this broken barrier is being rebuilt,
By hands other than my own?
Will there be any rescue this time?
Or will I be a cracking bone?

This aggression begins to sink in;
Depression seeping through the gaps.
Do I have any time for a last stand?
Or am I simply destined to finally lapse?

~Amanda J. Grondin~

A Melody Of Voices

A thousand terrifying voices, spinning through your mind.
Tearing at the bits of sanity, and memories left behind.
Taking legions of light, to blot out an ash filled sky;
One that tries to choke you- force your eyes to cry.

Maybe those terrifying voices, are really terrified calls.
Twisted and contorted, but the scars inside your minds' halls.
Could those burning tears, really just be cleasing rain?
Washing away heavy guilt- bleaching your crimson pain?

Would you take a minute, to yell back to pleas?
Or are prejudged notions, keeping you from crossing unknown seas?
Cascading voices, now swaying like a beautiful melody-
But only in your head, do you indulge in it's sweet serenity.


Written By: Amanda J. Grondin

Honest Thoughts

So, I haven't posted in quite some time. Haha, I don't know. Maybe it just seems that way. Truth is there is just a lot going on. One minute I'm fine. Smiles and laughs and meloncholy thoughts miles away. But the next moment it's all on top of me. Crushing me. So dark that there's not a point in looking up, because it'll be just as black. Stuck in telling myself  "someday things will be different". True, someday they probably will be, but not if I don't do anything. The problem is...I don't know where to start. Anyways, things will get better soon. After this heartbreak is gone (if it ever goes) I can get ten times better. Guys....sigh.
            Off of that way too honest topic, we jump right to another. God? Yeah, I believe he's real. Yes, I believe he loves his children passionately. Yes, I believe he's the living and only God. Yes, I believe he's forgiven us all. But maybe...not me? Maybe so. But he shouldn't. How can I possibally keep coming back to him if I know I'm only going to hurt him again? If I know I'm destined to fall? I don't know. I love him, he's my perfect daddy and protector. But I'm just not feeling so protected anymore. Like the prodigal son...before he came home. Maybe the prodigal son stood and watched from a distance because he felt so awful and afraid. But afraid of what? That's the real question.
             On a happier note: I'm still writing, delving into music, and living. Those are three blessing. A fourth is family. And a great one is friends.

So, I was sitting on the bus after school listening to my ipod and just stressing really. The song that was playing was called "Let It Burn" by a christian band named Red. And while it was playing i was looking at the sun and the way it was reflecting off the clouds (quite beautiful really), but there were dead tree branches in the way. So my focus would shift from the beautiful thing, to the dead one. Back and forth; back and forth. And then a thought struck me.
          It's usually that way in our relationship with Christ. Well mine anyone, not every single person is like that. But I'm just gonna talk in the "we sense".
          In this metaphor of sorts, Christ is the sun and the beauty surrounding it. At first, it captivates us. Strikes us speechless. But then things get in the way. Life creeps in, sin creeps in. And slowly we start focusing on the thing stationed in front of the sun. This "tree" that seems so tall and threatening. And from where we sit, going out wherever we're going, it blocks out part of the truth. And every single part is important. So our focus is split between two opposite ideals; life and death. Christ and satan.
           So I tried focusing on just the sun and clouds surrounding, even when a tree passed in front of my eyes I tried to still see part of either. And I found it quite difficult.
           It's so easy to get distracted, or doubt because we're afraid, or just sit idle BECAUSE we're afraid. But the longer you focus on the sun, the lighter everything around you seems. It's sounds crazy, but soon you can start seeing beauty IN the PROBLEMS as well. Because you see the light in it, around it. You see the reason for it being there. Where it'll get you. And the blessings it can bring. You start to see God there. So instead of seeing the death, you see the coming of new life. Something that is already alive, can't come back to life.

So that's my God moment for the day.

Grabbing hold; and Letting go

Alright. So this is where salt meets wounds.

        I've been holding on to everything in my past. It's easy to play things off and to wait and wait and fake until maybe, just maybe it gets better. But the thing is...it doesn't. Anything that consumes you so completely doesn't just go away. The wound just grows and grows. Leaving a bigger and darker scar.
         Really, the truth of the matter may be fear. Possibally apathy. Just a lot of things. Fear of being too different after letting it go, because there will be a change. Then, even if I personally know I'm better off, what if they reject what I learn to love? Apathy, that just a give'n. Changing and breaking chains takes more than a one time a week "knees-on-the-floor" promise to God. It takes more than tears and desire. Somethings gotta give. And the something is the one thing resisting the transformation. Myself.
        Being depressed just seems so much easier than straining to reach out and ask for the help required to make it over the wall. The wall that appears so tall that no one can ever get over it; especially not me. Such a bleak and bitter wall it is. Barrier between moving on and more or less leaving everything you know behind for good.
        Just because I said it's easier, doesn't mean I've never tried to let go. Trust me, I have. But satan throws it in my face harder than any of the most powerful hits. Bringing back every single moment, every single scar, every single mistake. Then, it's hard to see the point of trying so hard, if the work is only destined to fall. Or so it seems anyways.
         Last night....yesterday really....was probably one of the worst spiritual attacks I've had in say...the last 6 months. Satan must have been smiling, because he put my mind right back where it was on my darkest night. He had the blade to my arm again, but it was my choice. Can't blame everything wrong I do on him. Only the temptation for that action and how it was placed there. No, I didn't actually break skin again....but still. Later that night it just continued. Thoughts going 'round and 'round in my head. I felt utterly alone again. Reason being, I couldn't hear God. Couldn't feel him. It was almost as if everything around me was just empty space, except for one horrible thing.
         I've been trying to move on for years now from my depression, about a year from cutting, 3 years from anorexia, and about a year and a half from suicide attempts. And last night was the last straw. It was my hinge moment, and I was taking it. The choices were simple: let go, grab on to God, and live your life the way he wants you to; or stay like this and most likely end up killing yourself in the future (whether that be in years or months).
          I chose the first, and am currently acting it out be talking to a youth pastor at the Refuge name Eric Lotz. So from here....lets see where God takes me.

This is now, this is vital, this is God changing a heart of stone.

"I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because her bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'Please Lord save me!'" How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and hesaved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth!"
~Psalms 116: 1-9~

God's Hand

"Not Good Enough???"

So, one thing I've been noticing of late is how so many people are SO self concious; including me. It's as if value is based on the mirror, and no matter how beautiful you are, as a person or on the outside, it's never going to be good enough for anyone. Personality, intelligence, creativity, uniqueness, skills: none of it matters. Just how skinny we are, how in shape we are, how big our boobs are (for girls), how straight our smile is, how clear our skin is, how white our teeth are, how perfect our hair is, what clothes we wear. Sound like something to stress over? Seems that's what the world worries about now. They don't care how smart you are. How nice or caring you are. We're taught to take everything at face value, and what we see is what we get. And even if I'm a christian and I'm supposed to believe God always loves us and calls us his masterpiece, I find myself wishing I looked this way, or had those clothes, or her hair.
         Even in school or sports or life, we're never good enough. Because the only thing good enough is perfect, and the idea of perfect is always changing. If this is a known ideal, then how come so many fall to it? How can even the most self-assured person fall vunerable to it? Simply because we're bombarded with criticism, false ideas of looks, photo-shopped models, commercials, magazines, ads about diets even if the people in them are already small, shows about weight loss, ads for products to make us look better. How can anyone stay sane with all this flying around for us to hear or see.
          The only thing that really can is God. I'm not saying we'll never doubt how we look, but we know we're always loved. And that he calls us his beloved and beautiful. He knew us before we were born and planned out our entire life to be great for him before it started. He gives us a purpose and the more we act like him, the more christlike we look. And what could be more beautiful than the one who created the sunsets and waterfalls, moon and sun. If he created the sunsets with a thought so we could see beauty in nature, yet took time and care creating us, how much more beautiful than the sunsets are we? How much more are we cherished? How much brighter do we shine than the sun in a sunrise? We're beautiful because we look like christ, were created in his image, and we were created by the one who paints the night sky with stars. How much more is there to call beautiful?

"Just Writing. Just another day."

What's going on?
What's wrong?
Running the race to settle the score.
Struggling through fight as if there's nothing more.

What's gotten into you?
You used to be so true.
Now you just follow the crowd.
Are their voices simply too loud?

How can you not understand?
Too caught up to lend a hand?
Life's taking you over fast.
Then you were first, but soon to be last.

Are the judgements too much?
Are you too afraid to touch;
The light of what's honest?
Are you simply being modest?

Why do you look so defeated?
It's begun closing in and you've receeded.
Do the arrows from their hearts still pierce your soul?
When you fell, what was it they stole?

So what's going on?
What's wrong?
You're like a puppet on their strings.
Worrying about these worldly things.

Seems I've taken the fall too,
So have many, not the few.
Start planning before it's too late,
Maybe then, you'll escape the fate.

~Amanda J. G.~

"Losing Grip"

So, it'd seem lately that I'm letting go in a way. And in a way I would agree I have been. Giving up or in is something I despise doing, but right now it's too hard to keep fighting it. So why not just let it take me over? Why not just go under? Why not just fall and fall until all there is, is pieces left so I can retry to put myself together? Following a path like that, again...I might as well fall into oblivion. And feeling the way I know I will after is not worth it. Simply due to the question of if I'd be able to recover a second time. If that's even something to wonder, then the idea shouldn't be considered. Shouldn't be encouraged. Still, falling is so much easier than climbing. And I'm at the edge. The distance left to go to get back to the top, doesn't seem as long as the fall to the bottom.
      What's the cause of this sudden decline? The answer is simple, it wasn't sudden. It was hidden. And though I tried, there was no one to help and that's all my fault. Possibally, and most likely, I'm depressed again because I finally gained my faith life back again, and then failed....yet again. Seems that's always the case. High, low. High, low. Depression, happiness, confusion, loneliness, and purpose. Can't hone in on one.
        So, even though I feel this way, still I pray. And that's not me bragging, that is simply me admitting I'm hopelessly broken. That I can't do it all alone. That I never was strong enough to fight these battles. Recently, I had been reading my bible every night, whenever I could. For the last few days, I've refused to.
       Any failure makes me feel like I'm not even slightly worthy of talking to God, praying to him, reading his word, wearing his name. Not worthy of anything. Why should I be? Without him I never was worthy of him....clean enough for him. And never have I understood why he chose to love me....yet still he does. That is the single thing that is the hardest for me to wrap my head around. I don't believe I ever will understand it. Even though I never will, it gives me enough worth and joy and life to stand in the storm.
        Satan is trying so hard to make me fall, and he's been slowly succeeding, but he can never fully succeed. For God is on my side. And he holds me in his hand, while he defeats my enemies with the other.

Sorry this has been a little all over the place. I just needed to vent and get it out. Where else would I?