So, I was sitting on the bus after school listening to my ipod and just stressing really. The song that was playing was called "Let It Burn" by a christian band named Red. And while it was playing i was looking at the sun and the way it was reflecting off the clouds (quite beautiful really), but there were dead tree branches in the way. So my focus would shift from the beautiful thing, to the dead one. Back and forth; back and forth. And then a thought struck me.
          It's usually that way in our relationship with Christ. Well mine anyone, not every single person is like that. But I'm just gonna talk in the "we sense".
          In this metaphor of sorts, Christ is the sun and the beauty surrounding it. At first, it captivates us. Strikes us speechless. But then things get in the way. Life creeps in, sin creeps in. And slowly we start focusing on the thing stationed in front of the sun. This "tree" that seems so tall and threatening. And from where we sit, going out wherever we're going, it blocks out part of the truth. And every single part is important. So our focus is split between two opposite ideals; life and death. Christ and satan.
           So I tried focusing on just the sun and clouds surrounding, even when a tree passed in front of my eyes I tried to still see part of either. And I found it quite difficult.
           It's so easy to get distracted, or doubt because we're afraid, or just sit idle BECAUSE we're afraid. But the longer you focus on the sun, the lighter everything around you seems. It's sounds crazy, but soon you can start seeing beauty IN the PROBLEMS as well. Because you see the light in it, around it. You see the reason for it being there. Where it'll get you. And the blessings it can bring. You start to see God there. So instead of seeing the death, you see the coming of new life. Something that is already alive, can't come back to life.

So that's my God moment for the day.

Grabbing hold; and Letting go

Alright. So this is where salt meets wounds.

        I've been holding on to everything in my past. It's easy to play things off and to wait and wait and fake until maybe, just maybe it gets better. But the thing is...it doesn't. Anything that consumes you so completely doesn't just go away. The wound just grows and grows. Leaving a bigger and darker scar.
         Really, the truth of the matter may be fear. Possibally apathy. Just a lot of things. Fear of being too different after letting it go, because there will be a change. Then, even if I personally know I'm better off, what if they reject what I learn to love? Apathy, that just a give'n. Changing and breaking chains takes more than a one time a week "knees-on-the-floor" promise to God. It takes more than tears and desire. Somethings gotta give. And the something is the one thing resisting the transformation. Myself.
        Being depressed just seems so much easier than straining to reach out and ask for the help required to make it over the wall. The wall that appears so tall that no one can ever get over it; especially not me. Such a bleak and bitter wall it is. Barrier between moving on and more or less leaving everything you know behind for good.
        Just because I said it's easier, doesn't mean I've never tried to let go. Trust me, I have. But satan throws it in my face harder than any of the most powerful hits. Bringing back every single moment, every single scar, every single mistake. Then, it's hard to see the point of trying so hard, if the work is only destined to fall. Or so it seems anyways.
         Last night....yesterday really....was probably one of the worst spiritual attacks I've had in say...the last 6 months. Satan must have been smiling, because he put my mind right back where it was on my darkest night. He had the blade to my arm again, but it was my choice. Can't blame everything wrong I do on him. Only the temptation for that action and how it was placed there. No, I didn't actually break skin again....but still. Later that night it just continued. Thoughts going 'round and 'round in my head. I felt utterly alone again. Reason being, I couldn't hear God. Couldn't feel him. It was almost as if everything around me was just empty space, except for one horrible thing.
         I've been trying to move on for years now from my depression, about a year from cutting, 3 years from anorexia, and about a year and a half from suicide attempts. And last night was the last straw. It was my hinge moment, and I was taking it. The choices were simple: let go, grab on to God, and live your life the way he wants you to; or stay like this and most likely end up killing yourself in the future (whether that be in years or months).
          I chose the first, and am currently acting it out be talking to a youth pastor at the Refuge name Eric Lotz. So from here....lets see where God takes me.

This is now, this is vital, this is God changing a heart of stone.

"I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because her bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'Please Lord save me!'" How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and hesaved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth!"
~Psalms 116: 1-9~

God's Hand

"Not Good Enough???"

So, one thing I've been noticing of late is how so many people are SO self concious; including me. It's as if value is based on the mirror, and no matter how beautiful you are, as a person or on the outside, it's never going to be good enough for anyone. Personality, intelligence, creativity, uniqueness, skills: none of it matters. Just how skinny we are, how in shape we are, how big our boobs are (for girls), how straight our smile is, how clear our skin is, how white our teeth are, how perfect our hair is, what clothes we wear. Sound like something to stress over? Seems that's what the world worries about now. They don't care how smart you are. How nice or caring you are. We're taught to take everything at face value, and what we see is what we get. And even if I'm a christian and I'm supposed to believe God always loves us and calls us his masterpiece, I find myself wishing I looked this way, or had those clothes, or her hair.
         Even in school or sports or life, we're never good enough. Because the only thing good enough is perfect, and the idea of perfect is always changing. If this is a known ideal, then how come so many fall to it? How can even the most self-assured person fall vunerable to it? Simply because we're bombarded with criticism, false ideas of looks, photo-shopped models, commercials, magazines, ads about diets even if the people in them are already small, shows about weight loss, ads for products to make us look better. How can anyone stay sane with all this flying around for us to hear or see.
          The only thing that really can is God. I'm not saying we'll never doubt how we look, but we know we're always loved. And that he calls us his beloved and beautiful. He knew us before we were born and planned out our entire life to be great for him before it started. He gives us a purpose and the more we act like him, the more christlike we look. And what could be more beautiful than the one who created the sunsets and waterfalls, moon and sun. If he created the sunsets with a thought so we could see beauty in nature, yet took time and care creating us, how much more beautiful than the sunsets are we? How much more are we cherished? How much brighter do we shine than the sun in a sunrise? We're beautiful because we look like christ, were created in his image, and we were created by the one who paints the night sky with stars. How much more is there to call beautiful?