Nothing.

It just...hurts. And I'm so lost. I know where to begin....sort of, but I just simple cannot see the point in trying over and over again. It all hurts. Everything hurts. Even just being AROUND people hurts because I'm so aware of every flaw and imperfection I have. I'm so, so aware of things like that now.
              Waking up hurts....I have to convince myself that I can make it through the day, that I won't break down, that things "won't be that bad", that today could be better. That things could start getting better. But they never do. It's only getting worse- I'm only getting worse. That screaming voice in my mind becomes more vicious every day and, though I previously believed what it said, it's affect is much potent now. I literally have to fight it out of my head and figure out what's going on around me. I can't focus on much unless I bury myself in whatever it is. But then it's done and I need to find another distraction. Thinking is no longer safe for me. I am no longer safe regarding my own well-being. I know that...but I don't actually care all that much. Not as of now anyways. That will probably change in a few weeks (depending on when this extremely low spell ends). This is how it goes for me, you know? High and soaring for days or weeks....low and crushed for weeks or months. And I've learned to hate the high because I know it means the low is coming. I never know how bad the low is going to be. They seem to be getting worse though, and the high's are becoming less frequent and less obvious. Any sense of happiness is beginning to fade. Smiles are fake, but now even the real ones are beginning to feel like a mask. I speak less and less. I push people away. I haven't been able to sleep well since I was 9, but I'm having a particuarly difficult time with it now. More so than last year, which I wasn't sure was possible. My eating habits are getting to be...well, interesting to say the least. My social life has now ceased to exsist (and I'm pretty sure I did that to myself). I honestly hate myself so much now that I feel sick sometimes. I cannot stand being who I am- the disgusting waste that I am. I cannot fathom why anyone would ever care about me. Why anyone would waste even a second or a breath on me. I AM NOT WORTH IT. And I never will be.....and that is killing me. Along with other things....

It just hurts. And there is so much anger, hate, numbness, apathy, and....hopelessness. I'm hopeless. And I don't think I (whoever that is- I lost her a long, long time ago, years ago really) am ever coming back. I don't even know who I am, what I am. I'm nothing now. And, as of now, the only thing occupying that void is darkness and cold air. I am nothing.....there is nothing left.

Just Too Long...

I don't know how much longer I can do this....I don't see the point anymore. There is no purpose. My dreams are too far and the beginnings of them that I previously had in my hands are crumbling quickly. To quickly for me to figure out how to save them. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know why I'm here. What is the point of fighting so hard, of trying so hard, when everything I ever do will never be enough. It will always be a failure. I will always be a failure. And I don't think that I can accept that and live the rest of my life with it. No....life was never really meant to be easy, but it wasn't supposed to be this hard either. I don't know how much longer I can do this....I don't want to anymore. I'm walking and laughing and struggling and breathing only for those around me. My parents. My friends. My family. There really aren't many of them if I think about it. The lack of people in my life, people that are actually close to me, is quite...sad if I ponder on it. Lonely. It's a hard state to constantly be in. Anyways, I can't fight much longer....and I don't think that I want to....I can't.

And for that....I am sorry.

I'll admit it. I'm not worth the love or the time. I am a cold, bitter, angry person. Have you ever seen a ghost? I promise that you have. Think about the people who walk by you with no expression. With...nothing. Better yet, some people don't even look like ghosts. They are illusions playing pretend in the world of normal reality. I promise you have, just look at me. See this smile? I promise that it isn't real. I broke down last night. I reached for my knife, in hopes of finding something that I'm missing. In hopes of feeling something. And, sadly, guess what- I never have. And I didn't. I never used that weapon of self-destruction. I broke down before I could. I may be reckless, but I've not fallen over the edge yet. I would most likely end up screwing up if I tried while shaking. Do you ever see my head drop in the halls? Can you practically see my heart fall to the floor whenever I'm standing all alone? It feels like you would be able to. But, sometimes I forget that I wear a mask. I cannot expect people with no idea to see what's happening to me. I would never let you. And for that, I am sorry. But, you'll never know that either....
               Do you ever wonder why I look far away when I'm standing with you, my friends? I'm not there. I cannot focus on the things right in front of me. My mind is too loud. And in some ways, I'd rather hide there than face all of this. Carrie, bestfriend of thirteen years, have you ever wondered why I never tell you about the scars before they become scars? I think you have. Because I've seen the hurt in your eyes when you find out. And that's why I hide, because I don't want to hurt you anymore. Lindsay, closest person to my heart and cousin for a lifetime, have you ever wondered what will happen to me since we're so alike? I believe you have. By the way you look at me. By the way you tell me your stories and ask me to remember them. I promise I remember. I promise I always will. But while my heart may make a promise, my mind could be lying. And I'm sorry.
               So, I'll admit it. I'm not worth the time. I'm not worth your love. You are all right to stay far away. I may seem personable, loving, and beautiful from the outside (and maybe in some ways I am somewhat decent as a person), but inside I'm a mess. And my mess will only prove to destroy you. Hence I push you all away. And for that I'm also sorry. I don't want to be lonely, but it's only to keep you safe. Safe from myself.
               Self-inflicted loneliness. So selfish, and unselfish- at the same time. And for that...I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry. I do love you...I can still do that. It's not that I'm cold....not completely. I'm just hurt and broken and tired and done. But I can still love...I just don't want to hurt you and, yes, I don't want to be hurt. That is selfish. And for that, I am sorry.

Countdown

Get ready for the let down.
Get ready for the fall.
Just when you think everything's getting better,
Here comes the end of it all.

Get ready for the disappointment.
Get ready for the shame.
Just when you think you've recovered,
You'll find you're drowning in pain.

Get ready for the loneliness.
Get ready for the failure.
Just when I thought about a future,
Here comes death's allure.

Get ready for the fall out.
Get ready to lose hope.
Just as things were making sense,
You fell off of a cliff and forgot how to cope.

I'm past the point of insanity.
I'm past the point of reason.
So just forget the meaningless smiles,
Forget my unrealistic treason.

I'm past the point of exhaustion.
I'm past the point of living.
Expect the end of a life,
I can feel myself slipping.

One, two, three, four.
How many to pass out on the floor?
Five, six, seven, eight.
How many to create a different fate.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
How many to forget my dreams on the shelves.
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.
How many more to make me clean?
Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty.
Not many more. It was much too many.

Get ready for the wake.
Get ready for the graveside.
Just when you thought I was happy,
The light inside me started to die.

Get ready for the mourning.
Get ready for the grief.
I'm sorry for the pain of loss,
But for me this is relief.


~Amanda J. G.~

P.S.---Tthis is just my current mental state, it is not stating that I am going to kill myself tonight or soon. I wrote it just now because I had made a deal with myself. I had twenty pills laid out in pairs on my bed. 4,000mg- maybe enough? I wasn't sure, but I was going to take them. The deal to myself was that if I got a message from someone, anyone, for any reason then I wouldn't go through with it. The person who ended up sending that message had no clue. But I did. And the impossibility of it ended up stopping me. I wouldn't of had a note. Not really. However cruel that would've been if I had died. Thing is, leaving them with a piece of paper to attempt to fill the hole I'd be leaving behind wouldn't make a difference. Not really. So, yeah....just to explain that I'm not going to kill myself soon. I just wrote it to get it out of my head.---

I Just Want To Be Gone.

I just want to be gone....

I'm not even sure of why I'm here anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. And I sure as hell don't see the point in trying anymore. I only fall, only fail. I'll never amount to anything, I'll never be good enough. I simply am not enough. Worthless. Useless. Pathetic. I am a bother to everyone around me by simply being alive. None of them would ever say that (of course not, they're nice people) but I still know that I am. I honestly just want to melt into the floor, fade into the background....disappear. It's so....painful for me, being around people or talking to them. I'm already so aware of how fat and disgusting I am without having to worry about other people having to bare looking at me. I shouldn't be here anymore. I really shouldn't....
                It'd be so damn easy to let go. To just give into my urge to cut, my desire to die. I already gave into the prior a few days ago. Only a small slip...but that could change within an hour.
                All I see on this post is the word "I". Guess that is just another thing I can I add to the list of reasons to hate myself (and believe me, it's already a very long list)-selfishness.

I just want to be gone....I can't do this much longer.

And I'm not sure if that scares me or lightens my mood....It's almost comforting.

I'm just so tired....I'm done fighting. I have nothing left anymore except this...numbness.