Nothing.

It just...hurts. And I'm so lost. I know where to begin....sort of, but I just simple cannot see the point in trying over and over again. It all hurts. Everything hurts. Even just being AROUND people hurts because I'm so aware of every flaw and imperfection I have. I'm so, so aware of things like that now.
              Waking up hurts....I have to convince myself that I can make it through the day, that I won't break down, that things "won't be that bad", that today could be better. That things could start getting better. But they never do. It's only getting worse- I'm only getting worse. That screaming voice in my mind becomes more vicious every day and, though I previously believed what it said, it's affect is much potent now. I literally have to fight it out of my head and figure out what's going on around me. I can't focus on much unless I bury myself in whatever it is. But then it's done and I need to find another distraction. Thinking is no longer safe for me. I am no longer safe regarding my own well-being. I know that...but I don't actually care all that much. Not as of now anyways. That will probably change in a few weeks (depending on when this extremely low spell ends). This is how it goes for me, you know? High and soaring for days or weeks....low and crushed for weeks or months. And I've learned to hate the high because I know it means the low is coming. I never know how bad the low is going to be. They seem to be getting worse though, and the high's are becoming less frequent and less obvious. Any sense of happiness is beginning to fade. Smiles are fake, but now even the real ones are beginning to feel like a mask. I speak less and less. I push people away. I haven't been able to sleep well since I was 9, but I'm having a particuarly difficult time with it now. More so than last year, which I wasn't sure was possible. My eating habits are getting to be...well, interesting to say the least. My social life has now ceased to exsist (and I'm pretty sure I did that to myself). I honestly hate myself so much now that I feel sick sometimes. I cannot stand being who I am- the disgusting waste that I am. I cannot fathom why anyone would ever care about me. Why anyone would waste even a second or a breath on me. I AM NOT WORTH IT. And I never will be.....and that is killing me. Along with other things....

It just hurts. And there is so much anger, hate, numbness, apathy, and....hopelessness. I'm hopeless. And I don't think I (whoever that is- I lost her a long, long time ago, years ago really) am ever coming back. I don't even know who I am, what I am. I'm nothing now. And, as of now, the only thing occupying that void is darkness and cold air. I am nothing.....there is nothing left.