Countdown

Get ready for the let down.
Get ready for the fall.
Just when you think everything's getting better,
Here comes the end of it all.

Get ready for the disappointment.
Get ready for the shame.
Just when you think you've recovered,
You'll find you're drowning in pain.

Get ready for the loneliness.
Get ready for the failure.
Just when I thought about a future,
Here comes death's allure.

Get ready for the fall out.
Get ready to lose hope.
Just as things were making sense,
You fell off of a cliff and forgot how to cope.

I'm past the point of insanity.
I'm past the point of reason.
So just forget the meaningless smiles,
Forget my unrealistic treason.

I'm past the point of exhaustion.
I'm past the point of living.
Expect the end of a life,
I can feel myself slipping.

One, two, three, four.
How many to pass out on the floor?
Five, six, seven, eight.
How many to create a different fate.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
How many to forget my dreams on the shelves.
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.
How many more to make me clean?
Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty.
Not many more. It was much too many.

Get ready for the wake.
Get ready for the graveside.
Just when you thought I was happy,
The light inside me started to die.

Get ready for the mourning.
Get ready for the grief.
I'm sorry for the pain of loss,
But for me this is relief.


~Amanda J. G.~

P.S.---Tthis is just my current mental state, it is not stating that I am going to kill myself tonight or soon. I wrote it just now because I had made a deal with myself. I had twenty pills laid out in pairs on my bed. 4,000mg- maybe enough? I wasn't sure, but I was going to take them. The deal to myself was that if I got a message from someone, anyone, for any reason then I wouldn't go through with it. The person who ended up sending that message had no clue. But I did. And the impossibility of it ended up stopping me. I wouldn't of had a note. Not really. However cruel that would've been if I had died. Thing is, leaving them with a piece of paper to attempt to fill the hole I'd be leaving behind wouldn't make a difference. Not really. So, yeah....just to explain that I'm not going to kill myself soon. I just wrote it to get it out of my head.---