And for that....I am sorry.

I'll admit it. I'm not worth the love or the time. I am a cold, bitter, angry person. Have you ever seen a ghost? I promise that you have. Think about the people who walk by you with no expression. With...nothing. Better yet, some people don't even look like ghosts. They are illusions playing pretend in the world of normal reality. I promise you have, just look at me. See this smile? I promise that it isn't real. I broke down last night. I reached for my knife, in hopes of finding something that I'm missing. In hopes of feeling something. And, sadly, guess what- I never have. And I didn't. I never used that weapon of self-destruction. I broke down before I could. I may be reckless, but I've not fallen over the edge yet. I would most likely end up screwing up if I tried while shaking. Do you ever see my head drop in the halls? Can you practically see my heart fall to the floor whenever I'm standing all alone? It feels like you would be able to. But, sometimes I forget that I wear a mask. I cannot expect people with no idea to see what's happening to me. I would never let you. And for that, I am sorry. But, you'll never know that either....
               Do you ever wonder why I look far away when I'm standing with you, my friends? I'm not there. I cannot focus on the things right in front of me. My mind is too loud. And in some ways, I'd rather hide there than face all of this. Carrie, bestfriend of thirteen years, have you ever wondered why I never tell you about the scars before they become scars? I think you have. Because I've seen the hurt in your eyes when you find out. And that's why I hide, because I don't want to hurt you anymore. Lindsay, closest person to my heart and cousin for a lifetime, have you ever wondered what will happen to me since we're so alike? I believe you have. By the way you look at me. By the way you tell me your stories and ask me to remember them. I promise I remember. I promise I always will. But while my heart may make a promise, my mind could be lying. And I'm sorry.
               So, I'll admit it. I'm not worth the time. I'm not worth your love. You are all right to stay far away. I may seem personable, loving, and beautiful from the outside (and maybe in some ways I am somewhat decent as a person), but inside I'm a mess. And my mess will only prove to destroy you. Hence I push you all away. And for that I'm also sorry. I don't want to be lonely, but it's only to keep you safe. Safe from myself.
               Self-inflicted loneliness. So selfish, and unselfish- at the same time. And for that...I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry. I do love you...I can still do that. It's not that I'm cold....not completely. I'm just hurt and broken and tired and done. But I can still love...I just don't want to hurt you and, yes, I don't want to be hurt. That is selfish. And for that, I am sorry.