I've been holding on to everything in my past. It's easy to play things off and to wait and wait and fake until maybe, just maybe it gets better. But the thing is...it doesn't. Anything that consumes you so completely doesn't just go away. The wound just grows and grows. Leaving a bigger and darker scar.
Really, the truth of the matter may be fear. Possibally apathy. Just a lot of things. Fear of being too different after letting it go, because there will be a change. Then, even if I personally know I'm better off, what if they reject what I learn to love? Apathy, that just a give'n. Changing and breaking chains takes more than a one time a week "knees-on-the-floor" promise to God. It takes more than tears and desire. Somethings gotta give. And the something is the one thing resisting the transformation. Myself.
Being depressed just seems so much easier than straining to reach out and ask for the help required to make it over the wall. The wall that appears so tall that no one can ever get over it; especially not me. Such a bleak and bitter wall it is. Barrier between moving on and more or less leaving everything you know behind for good.
Just because I said it's easier, doesn't mean I've never tried to let go. Trust me, I have. But satan throws it in my face harder than any of the most powerful hits. Bringing back every single moment, every single scar, every single mistake. Then, it's hard to see the point of trying so hard, if the work is only destined to fall. Or so it seems anyways.
Last night....yesterday really....was probably one of the worst spiritual attacks I've had in say...the last 6 months. Satan must have been smiling, because he put my mind right back where it was on my darkest night. He had the blade to my arm again, but it was my choice. Can't blame everything wrong I do on him. Only the temptation for that action and how it was placed there. No, I didn't actually break skin again....but still. Later that night it just continued. Thoughts going 'round and 'round in my head. I felt utterly alone again. Reason being, I couldn't hear God. Couldn't feel him. It was almost as if everything around me was just empty space, except for one horrible thing.
I've been trying to move on for years now from my depression, about a year from cutting, 3 years from anorexia, and about a year and a half from suicide attempts. And last night was the last straw. It was my hinge moment, and I was taking it. The choices were simple: let go, grab on to God, and live your life the way he wants you to; or stay like this and most likely end up killing yourself in the future (whether that be in years or months).
I chose the first, and am currently acting it out be talking to a youth pastor at the Refuge name Eric Lotz. So from here....lets see where God takes me.
This is now, this is vital, this is God changing a heart of stone.
"I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because her bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'Please Lord save me!'" How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and hesaved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth!"
~Psalms 116: 1-9~
God's Hand
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