I want to die. It's that simple. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be here. A car accident, a slip and deadly fall...something. I don't really care to stay here anymore. My mind is killing me. Beating myself for the pain- hiding the bruises. Slamming my head against a wall- blasting music to cover the sound. Scraping my skin with my fingernails because there aren't any blades- stopping before it bleeds; preventing a scar. Looking for blades- seeing everything as a potential weapon and having to close my eyes to calm down. Burning paper to distract myself- accidently burning myself...and then wanting to. Driving a car- wanting to drive right off of the road. Riding a bike- wanting to pull in front of an oncoming car. Taking two pills for a headache- being tempted to down the whole thing. Taking a shower to relax- crying my eyes out silently, no one can ever hear. Staring at the ceiling for hours at night- never able to sleep. Looking in the mirror- hating every single part of me. Hating myself so much that it hurts. So much that I feel physically ill. This isn't living. I don't know what this is. It's abnormal. It's torture. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. On. Like. This. Anymore.
And so I'll die soon. Not physically, I don't think. But inside I'm still living, but whatever is there is dying. Quickly now. Without sound. Maybe it'll be better to be hallow. Insane, but numb. Just nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Nothing....
I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to live.
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