What do you do when you look in the mirror and the sudden rush of hate for what you see causes your eyes to sting? When just staring at that reflection, into those lifeless eyes, makes you feel physically ill? How disorienting it is, and I really doubt that you understand what it is that I'm trying to convey- unless, of course, you've stared back at yourself and no longer recognized the person on the glass. I couldn't begin to describe how hopeless things begin to look, how uninspiring, how dull. Staring into those eyes is like walking down a dark hall, adorned with pictures of all of your memories, and not feeling attached to anything- no emotion. Whether the memories are good or bad. You simply are not yourself. And in that moment of detachment you feel lost. The hall never seems to end, so you are wandering. Pointlessly down the same path the must've gotten you lost in the first place. No doors, no windows, no turns by which you can escape. So everthing becomes meaningless and you just walk numbly through the oblivion of your mind.
Some say you are a victim, a prisoner, of your own mind. And I don't need to wonder why. I know the cold corridors of my own, the chains that my thoughts seem to grip to foolishly. I understand the complexity of an internal struggle and the exhaustion of the senseless fight. Getting nowhere. You're just stuck. You're alone inside your mind, inside yourself- even though you may be surrounded on the outside. You still always feel alone, and that's what matters to the corners and crevices of who you are. The emotions are the chains, the memories are the cells, and your thoughts are the crimes. You are your own warden, your own executioner. Don't trick yourself into believing something on the outside could bind you so completely. You are trapped by yourself- a very obviously equal opponent. Two parts of one, so how could you possibally win?
Sweetheart- I need to write everything to you, but I can't even imagine where to start.
ReplyDeleteYou need to hold onto yourself. You owe it to yourself. Not to anyone else. You owe it to yourself and to your God to hold on tighter than anything to the beautiful world He created for you,and to the beautiful, imperfect human being that you are. He hasn't created a single one of us perfect, not a single one, and that's how you know that we are ALL perfect in our design. You must hold on, too, because you have a life out there waiting for you- are you really willing to let go of it, or worse yet, let it slip you by? The sooner you commit to holding on to God and to Life tighter than you ever imagined you could, the sooner you'll be able to enjoy the ride He's taking you on. And it all starts with the little things. Go out and smell the scent of the fresh air wherever you live, admire the sunsets, examine the intricacies of a ladybug. Basically, take it from yourself- you said it better and more beautifully than I ever could: http://thoughtsdreamsandmemories.blogspot.tw/2011/02/not-good-enough.html
Read through your first posts on here, and try to trace yourself back to the light. Your first posts really are inspiring and beautiful, and if I could write anything to try to help you, they are what I would write.
Keep writing, too. I love writing- I'm not going through anything like you are, but I am going through the trials and trivialities of Life, too, and we all have something meaningful, at least to us, to write about. I believe writing is about the best kind of therapy that exists.
I wish I knew you, I wish I was your friend, so that I could just hold you steady as you talked your soul out to me, and so that when you were done and empty and exposed, I could tell you how completely wrong you are about everything you believe about yourself. I don't know how this happened to you, but you don't deserve it any more than I do, or anyone else does, for that matter. And please stop telling yourself that you are not worth any love or attention. If it were true, I wouldn't be here writing this at midnight when I should really be doing my homework for tomorrow morning. If it were true, I could have just as easily read your post I came across and dismissed it, and moved on to the next blog called This Is Just Life. But I couldn't. Because it's not.
One more thing: I believe in you, if you don't. I believe you will learn to be happy again.
DeletePS. And yes, I read through every one of your posts. :P
So...I know this was written quite a while ago. I'm terribly sorry about responding in such an untimely manner. I haven't written in awhile, sadly. It really is a loss that I haven't though- writing is a beautiful form of expression. Anyways, finding what used to drive me seems impossible at this point. I've never experienced an apathy near this strong, nor have I ever lost myself so completely. My attendance in church leaves much to be desired. I'm not even sure it can be considered attendance anymore. I only go when I'm scheduled to play guitar or piano or to sing, wherever the venue is. I currently have no church, I'm just rotated between three different ones. Three different youth groups, three different bands. Drifting in this way is lonely, but preferred. Getting attached has only ever brought me pain, especially in my experiences with religion.
DeleteFor the record, I would love to have you as a friend. You seem different in the best of ways- caring, considerate, intelligent, wise. Your passion for life is incredible. Thank you for taking the time to write me this, for taking the time to read the words I've written. I'll write again soon, and hopefully you'll continue writing as well. Again, I'm sorry for staying away for so long. This semester is extremely demanding and my mental state wasn't healthy to begin with. I've just...lost touch with a lot of things in my life. With people, with passions. So...I apologize.