So, I'm Having a Hard Time.

I'm having a rough time. I'm just having a difficult time with...well, myself of all things. But I'd rather not think about it right this second, so I'll just write about something else for the time being.

Okay. So, when my depression was wholly consuming me I used to do this thing. You know how in the shower (if you have glass doors or mirrors in the bathroom) if the water is hot enough then steam fogs up most surfaces? Sometimes I'd just write was I was thinking in that fog build-up on the glass. It could be anything: "help me, save me, I'm dying, I want to die, worthless, ugly, terrible, horrible, unloved, alone, broken, scarred, afraid, hated, no purpose, not good enough, forgotten, cutter, disgusting, sick, crazy, insane, suicidal, I hate myself, I will never be worth anything, everyone leaves" and so on and so forth. This way all of these thoughts and words could be released and dissapate with the steam. They would disappear. While they were still in the back of my mind, they were no longer killing me. Same thing with the mirror- any insecurities, self-hate, anger towards myself- would be written on my mirror. This way I could see my face through the words. At first I used to see it as them defining me. Because I could only see myself through the clarity of the letters. However, I finally realized that that was just it. I COULD ONLY SEE MYSELF THROUGH THE WORDS. They weren't who I was. I could see through the letters because I was the person behind them. They were labels, but I was more. It's been about four years now and I still have a hard time remembering this.
                  Lately I've begun writing on that glass and on that mirror again. On my skin if they aren't around. The problem with the latter is that the words stick around longer in ink. I just can't seem to see past them anymore. I BELIEVE them. Why not? They seem true enough. They line up with my thoughts. Other people most likely think the same as well. Yet, I cannot understand why I think all of this. I really shouldn't allow things to get to me this deeply; but I do. Otherwise...I'll feel practically nothing. And I'm tired of that. I'm tired of the nothingness. Being numb really isn't that great. Because numb isn't really numb. It's a wall of loneliness- you begin pushing everyone away and want to be alone. It's a cloud of doubt- about yourself, your life, your talent, your worth. Somedays it's waves of sadness- wanting more but not being able to reach it. It's not feeling anything. It's feeling so much that you shut down. Shut off. You stop caring and you can't take it anymore. Not in the current moment anyways. So you sit there. Sit there and drown in your thoughts, in memories, in words. And no matter how much you want things to be different, you lack the energy to get up again. What's the point? What if you fail again? You'll feel that much worse. I personally cannot deal with that again.
                     So I've been writing thoughts on that glass again. Only this time it's different. Writing them on the glass is like leaving impressions of them on my soul. The glass is designed to block the view. Almost like a random patchwork- almost like scars. And in it, with the words and with the cool of the surface, I can see myself. I do not like what I see. On most days I hate the person looking back at me. My eyes used to be my favorite attribute of my appearance. I can't stand to look at them anymore. They look so haunted, so pained. Smiling with those eyes sitting above the farce just looks painful. It looks fake. To me anyways. I can't stand that.
                      I wasn't planning on talking about how I feel now, but I guess in some ways I did. Sorry if this was all random. My thoughts tend to be like that at night. Buzzing so quickly that I can't grasp and understand one before another crashes through.

I'm having a hard time. I'm fighting, yes. But I don't feel strong enough for this fight. I feel like glass and I feel like I'm disappearing with those words...bit by bit. Fading....and I have no idea how to fix myself. I never did in the first place. I faked it. Pretended I was okay to appease the people around me. But I'm breaking now.  My mask is splintering and melting to show the broken person behind it. And I can't stop it....I can't stop this.....

I'm losing ground and I fear that soon I will fall again. I'm terrified of what is waiting at the bottom for me.....old demons don't like being left behind.