Chains of Shame

You see, I have this little problem. The things I do make me feel so ashamed that I cannot face God knowing that I do them, but they are the very things that I find I am addicted to. The shame and guilt completely separate me from God. It makes me feel like I can't talk to him. I'll finally work up the courage to face him, to talk to him even, but then I feel like his anger is crushing me. Like his disappoint is too much for me to handle. Thing is, I've come to realize that these emotions that I've described him as having are just reflections of what I feel towards myself. I know how wrong the things I do are. I know.....and I hate myself for it. That anger is the hate, shame, and anger I feel towards myself. I felt it without having these things looming around me, but now they reside in my life and the despair grows and increases by tenfold in my heart. I know I need to get them out of my life, but how do I begin to do that if I can't even get myself to begin to face them? How, if I can't muster up enough dignity to ask God to help me with this? Because it has me so tightly. It's sharp claws are holding me to the dirt and I cannot convince myself to fight it- I deserve this. The shame, humilitation, and pain. Oh, how God must be anguished now. A once bright child, once burning for him and chasing him, is now lost in the dark- in thorns. How he must be stretching out for me, telling me to just take his hand, that it'll be okay. That I have the strength to fight with him, that I'm loved. But I'm having such a hard time pushing past the lies. Past my own numbness, my own guilt, and- if I'm honest- my own selfishness. That's right. These things are selfish. They are temporary releases, temporary distractions, temptations that are given in to. And they are sickening. I don't understand how he can even look at me anymore, how he can think about me. I am filthy. Degraded. Some ungodly spawn of this world now that I have walked away from him. I've lost my identity. I've lost it all. And now I am this horrid, self-indulging, trapped fool. I am a fool for this. And yet I am still, foolishly, following the wrong road. I am leading myself to the slaughter. I am allowing myself to die. I am gripping onto the darkness inside of me like a scared child who doesn't want to let go of their "blanky". It has become safe. It has become familiar. And I no longer know who I am without it. The only way for me to figure that out is to find my identity in God, follow him, and trust that. But it feels like I can't. I know that is probably completely ridiculous, but that's how it feels. I can't get rid of the way I feel towards myself. I can't throw off this apathy that I feel towards anything religious- there have been times where it has felt like hate towards those things. But that is only because of my own guilt and inability to connect with God as the people around me do- like I used to. I'm lost. I know how to start going back the way I came, starting back on a road that will bring me back to the living, but I'm afraid. I'm ashamed. And I'm being held down by so much.